What it feels like to survive

Job 23:10:
But He knows where I am going. And when He tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.
- This verse has been running through my head over the past few months.

I've been thinking about writing a little bit on this topic for a long time. Two months to be exact. From moving, to cancer, to living in a whole new country, the past six months have been one crazy ride. I'm happy to report that I am, well, happy. I'm really happy. I wake up everyday and I think "This is the happiest I've felt in a long time." I feel like I've regained the pep, the zing, the freedom I lost a long time ago. I didn't loose those qualities because of cancer. It was never the cancer that did that to me. It was life. I'm a really stress prone person. I get wrapped up in trying to be perfect. I never quite can be and it drives me crazy. Anyway, right now I feel liberated from those stressful feelings. I'm painting, sewing, cooking, reading lots and deciding what country/city/museum to visit on Tyler's days off. I'm trying hard not to let anything bother me. What a life! Seriously, life is fantastic right now. I AM the happiest I have been in a loooong time.


So it is so strange to me that when people (anyone) find out that I had cancer there is this instant sort of pity for me. A sadness creeps over their faces and they don't know what to say. They are dumbfounded. "I'm sorry." People say that to me a lot. I never know what to say in return. In fact, I really try hard not to tell people about the cancer. It is just easier that way.

I just figure that everybody has "bad things" happen to them. Everybody. This includes me. Friends of mine tell me that I am strong for facing cancer, but I admire them for overcoming thier struggles. I don't know how I could handle losing my father/mother/brother/child. I don't know how I could handle a husband who left me or a family that didn't support me. Cancer isn't that bad. I'm lucky. Really, really lucky. My "bad things" could have been so much worse. I'm grateful and blessed for what I have. I'm ready to move on and live the rest of my life. As one of the ladies on the Good Morning America show, who recently overcame breast cancer, said "this is just a chapter in my life, not the story."

So don't feel sorry for me. Really. I'm going to be just fine. : )